I often think about what Swami Sivananda Radha writes in Mantras: Words of Power, how during chanting an aspirant may feel an overwhelming sense of emotions:
“Tears may come that you have been holding back for many years… Sometimes the tears will be part regret and part joy – joy that the soul is at last on its way back home, regret that so many lifetimes have been wasted.”
I remember feeling this the very first time I came to the Ashram. Night after night in satsang, sitting in the grand space of the Temple, humming the mantra, I would feel tears cascade down my cheeks. I didn’t fully understand what was happening. But on my first evening of the Yoga Development Course, the Ashram’s three-month intensive program, I gained a better understanding of what Swami Radha meant.
On a cold winter evening, I entered the Temple of Light and saw the other course participants gathered. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and relief. After years of waiting and wondering when the time would come, I was finally here. Not as a karma yogi, not as a visitor, but as a participant in the Yoga Development Course (YDC).
Going Inward and Yogic Discipline
Every morning during the course, I would make my way to Mandala House for two hours of Hidden Language Hatha Yoga, the snow underfoot and the Ashram all quiet. I could hear my footsteps along the boardwalk as I walked towards guided practice, and this became a real point of meditation for me.
Even now, almost five years later, whenever I return to the Ashram and walk along the boardwalk, I am taken back to those early winter mornings. I am reminded of the commitment and sense of discipline that the course demanded from me, but it also invited me to soften – to surrender to the rhythm and structure that were there to support my inner growth.
Those mornings in Hidden Language Hatha Yoga opened me to a new understanding of how my body and mind are connected. Swami Radhananda writes that “the body is a good place to start a spiritual practice because of its potential to change and show concrete results. By exploring the physical practice of Hatha Yoga, you begin to recognize the balance, strength and firmness in your body” (Living the Practice).
Starting my days with two hours of Hatha Yoga felt like a real gift. I was invited to listen deeply to my inner world and to challenge myself with new poses like the peacock feather, pincha mayurasana, which demanded effort and intensity from me. On other days, poses like tortoise, kurmasana, invited me to soften and retreat inward.
The combination of these poses helped me reconnect with my body, becoming more comfortable and at ease within it while discovering a sense of strength and capability I hadn’t always recognized in myself. Over time, this began to shift the way I saw my body – not as something to observe or judge, but as something capable and strong, a vessel through which I met the world.
Going Deeper with Yoga and Self
Before committing myself to the YDC, I had a sense I wanted to go deeper in my self-development, but I wasn’t sure what that might look like. I had participated in various retreat programs and yoga teacher trainings, but from meeting past YDC participants and spending time as a karma yogi at the Ashram, I knew the YDC was different from anything I had experienced before.
Spending three months in a spiritual community is a powerful experience, with time to practice, study, question and listen. Day after day, I was given the opportunity to pay attention – not only to the yogic teachings, but to what was happening within me.
The workshops opened up parts of myself that I didn’t even know were there. They brought patterns, fears, aspirations and emotions into my awareness that I had, unknowingly, been turning away from.
I began to learn how much of my desire to accomplish and plan for the future was connected to a longing for security and stability. I looked more closely at my relationship with my father and how my desire to care for him was intertwined with my own sense of responsibility, and was then reflected in my relationships with other male figures in my life.
These realizations were not always comfortable, but they gave me the opportunity to meet parts of myself with greater awareness through reflection, rather than simply avoiding them.
The YDC gave me space to encounter these parts of myself with curiosity and, somewhat surprisingly, with compassion. Rather than simply learning about yoga, I was being given opportunities to experience its teachings within my own life and to greet the power of choice that awaits.
“When we practice yoga, we begin to live with greater freedom of choice,” – Swami Lalitananda, Inner Life of Asanas
Spiritual Community and Support
During the Yoga Development Course, I lived alongside people who were asking themselves many of the same questions I was. We were each moving through our own experiences and trying to understand what it means to live a spiritual life – not just in meditation or study, but in the ordinary moments of living together.
There is something powerful about being witnessed in that process. The people around me became mirrors, sometimes reflecting qualities I admired and sometimes showing me parts of myself that I would rather not see. We learned from one another by practicing together and learning together, creating a sense of connection and community that supported each of us in our process.
Returning to Inner Work
I recently had a friend ask me if I would ever do the YDC again.
My immediate response was, “No!” I felt strangely protective of the experience I had already had, and I couldn’t imagine willingly stepping back into that same intensity. But as I’ve thought about the question, and as I’ve written about the experience for this blog, my answer has slowly shifted.
“Not now, but eventually.”
I imagine myself returning to the YDC at another turning point in my life. Perhaps when I am preparing to step into motherhood, beginning a new chapter of my career or simply feeling the need to pause and listen more deeply before deciding what comes next.
There may be seasons when I need that concentrated time and space again: to step back from the momentum of everyday life and dedicate myself to my personal growth in the sacred, nourishing space of the Ashram.
For now, I am carrying what that first YDC gave me: a deeper sense of devotion in my spiritual practice and a greater understanding of my inner world. The practices I learned during the YDC have become touchstones I can return to when I feel scattered or uncertain, helping me feel a deep sense of inner joy – joy of knowing that my soul has found the mantra and the sacred teachings of Swami Sivananda Radha.
Connection and Growth: A Hidden Language Reflection
Practice the Tree Pose, vriksasana. Observe silence as you take the position of the Tree. Reflect on the time and seasons in your life, your connection to the earth, the sky and the sun, and how you are sustained by life. For what purpose? Write down your reflections.*
As you reflect, consider what the Tree might reveal about your own journey of growth and becoming.
*Reflection from Inner Life of Asanas by Swami Lalitananda.