This morning, the first chevrons of geese arrive from southern skies, their calls evoking both longing and comfort in me. Sap rises in the maple trees around my home, boils on a small outdoor fire, the steam off the pans, sweetening the air. Every spring, when I tap the maples and sap pours out, I experience bliss. 

My most reliable pathways of connection are through the more-than-human world, but they are not the only ways. Others include ceremony, reading and reflecting on sacred texts and the events of daily life, community practices, Mantra Yoga, listening and Dream Yoga. 

Sometimes, I get hung up on which practices to focus on at which time, but over the last few days, a throughline I had not seen before stood out. The centrality of relationship is common to all the ways. By that I mean a mutual process of attention, response and influence. A sense of mattering to ‘each other’, whether inwardly or outwardly seems essential along my path to the Divine.

Another experience which is alive for me this season is navigating terrains of loss – the loss of my dad in December, my cat Lou in February, and my cat Hazel earlier in the year, all primary relationships. I’m currently in the process of saying goodbye to a job, one that I had wanted and sought for a long time and have only been working at for a little over a year. 

So I’m investigating these together: my relationship with the Divine and navigating territories of loss.

Navigating Loss with the Divine

My initial instinct in the face of endings tends to be tension – contraction connected to the concept that loss is something happening to me, and resistance to the uncomfortable sensations that inevitably arise and that are part of grief. For me these include sorrow, anger and a sense of vulnerability in my physical, emotional, nervous system body.

My dad’s dying time was accelerated by a fall. He lived in Winnipeg. I live in western Quebec. After he fell and before I knew that he was dying, I questioned whether or not to travel to my hometown. I was having a hard time getting clear information from my mom, my dad and staff at the hospital with which to decide. Then, within days of my dad’s fall, my employer let me know that they had yet to find more funding for my position and I would be laid off at the end of March. 

There was a period after receiving this news when this constellation of challenges felt like too much. There was fear related to the lost income and discomfort from being with uncertainty – what was happening with my dad, where would my income come from, would I have enough? 

Tracking the Divine

In the Devi of Speech book, Swami Radhananda writes: The mystery is to see Her in action, to recognize Her in the world and in yourself. 

Aren’t these situations then, Her? And if I react in my habitual ways, isn’t that like closing the door on the Divine?

Five days after my dad’s fall, I experienced clarity to go to Winnipeg. Soon after, I noticed more space inside myself, less tension, and gratitude for the clarity, which liberated energy and direction to act. I wanted to be on the first flight the next morning.

I put out a call for cat care, something I would need to be able to leave. Within 15 minutes two friends stepped forward to help. The same evening, two other friends, separately, and who had no idea what was happening in my life, texted me about jobs postings they thought I might be interested in. 

When these things happened, it became harder to describe what I was experiencing as challenges. The challenges it seemed to me, came when I closed the door, when I reacted in a way that rejected what was happening, which seems to me like rejecting Her, the One with whom I want to maintain relationship. The way the events of this evening played out felt like grace.

Offering as Divine Mother

In Swami Radha’s teachings, the act of offering is central. The Divine Mother Prayer, which is also a mantra, is about affirming that everything I do is worship of Divine Mother, that every natural function and action is a form of worship. It is a continuous offering. 

My offerings are not continuous. Despite many years of practice and an aspiration to become more fluid, it takes me time and practices to remember my ideals, to narrow the incongruencies, to become aware and interested in what is emerging, to seek and restore the relationship in myriad forms and formlessness. 

Previously, I understood offering as my unique role in relation to the Divine, the Light that links all beings. But things have shifted, and the way I see it now is more collaborative. The Divine is always offering to me. Sometimes she delivers bliss, sometimes sustenance and sometimes ends creations I think of as integral to my world. Keeping the door open is one way I can offer in response.

-Robin MacDonald